Blogging Virgin; be gentle with me.

I come to this bountiful table of female bloggers a little reticent.  I’ve never been an editor-in-chief, had a job in public relations or even visited a major UK city more than once or twice per year.  I’ll lay it out there that I only have three GCSE’s, no A’ Levels or a degree.  Educationally I’m a flop; an impotent willy amongst metaphorically turgid blogging cocks aplenty.  Yet I still have a voice and something to say!

I intend this blog to be a rambling tome of  disconnected thoughts, anecdotes and rants dished up with wit, positivity and my special sense of ‘potentially offensive’ humour.  There will be swear words, one-liners, panty-liners and self-effacing ‘baiting and bashing’.  Despite my age and parenting experience unfortunately I still suffer from hideous ‘teenage angst’ when it comes to what amounts to ‘blowing my own trumpet’ (not a euphemism and something I’d be far too tired to bother with these days anyway!).

But still here you go…please read on if you’re looking for light entertainment; a diversion from your own crap or something to compare yours favourably with and possibly a couple of pearls of wisdom from my life experience thus far to apply to yours.

Cutting to the chase one of the most useful tools to facilitate an easy ride through life = friends, alcohol and cake.  Oh and crisps; particularly lightly salted ‘Kettle’ or ‘Tyrrell’s’ though the jury’s still out on which is better I simply decide based on which is on offer when doing the ‘big’ shop.  Also coffee is a conundrum; I’ve recently migrated to a ‘flat white’ from my traditional favourite ‘latte’ which to some will be a ‘deal breaker’ I’ve already made peace with the fact I could lose friends over this decision.  Like the time I gave up smoking; so many great pals who simply couldn’t see past my healthy complexion and pink lungs quickly dropped off the social radar.  To top it off most of the benefits I should have realised in this triumph were unfortunately lost to cake and brown sherry. What can I say; I’m a cheap date.

The incredible ‘Mummy Brigade’ of friends I currently adore very often join me for my 2.5 hours per week when I am alone; completely alone and not at work.  This happens on a Friday morning when I have a‘seven item’ breakfast and a two-shot coffee with my pals.  During this golden 2.5 hour period topics as far reaching as ‘Sally Hansen – No Vein’ spray, ‘how pathetically unable’ men are and where the latest special offers on Prosecco can be found are covered.  A thin veil of desperation draws us together with our mutual love of coffee, wine and cake.  Not to mention our life-affirming camaraderie ‘pour femme’ as we gather strength from our respective experiences and offer platitudes and ‘go fucking you’s’ whilst deep throating cheap sausage.  I can think of no better way to spend those precious 2.5 hours.

So if you’ve read this far you’ll already know that my blog will undulate and meander like an ‘Ox bow river’ with me forgetting where I am or what I’m doing.  This is because whilst writing I will be endlessly interrupted with pointless observations like “Err what’s that stink” or “I hungry” then post 3:15pm ‘Adam wants to be my boyfriend again but I’m in love with Finlay and he finally loves me because I showed him my pants!’.

I must confess that part of the reason for writing a blog is also because I’ve written a book!  it’s called ‘My Kaleidoscope Life’ and it’s a more constructive version of my rambling over 127,000 words with a beginning, middle and end!  It has a story too; which is always useful in a novel.   It’s rude though; there are ‘cock’s’ and lots of ‘fuck’s’ and incessant musing so steer clear if you’re of a delicate disposition.

It’s my second book but first adult book; the first one is a ‘Tweenie’ Fantasy book currently available on Amazon Kindle; here’s the link:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Disappearance-Himvay-Cari-Ward-ebook/dp/B01F94V1N6

If you would buy a copy I would be well chuffed because I’ve currently only sold about 7 copies and received royalties of approximately  70 pence.  But as Granny Chidlow used to say…’from little acorns’.

Right time for a cuppa and as it’s nearly Christmas a Co-op Mince pie;  which I’ve reviewed for you and already rated as one of the best.  You’re welcome.

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