‘They’re the best days of your life!’; is an often touted turn of phrase old people apply to the five years we all spend at the local ‘Comp’ whilst being ‘educated’. I might agree in some respects too. For I am one of the many who loved flirting with the boys at the bus stop, smoking by the big tree at morning break and sneaking off site for chips in a cone at lunch time. Even the cafeteria lunch was a veritable feast of saturated fats, refined sugar and excess sodium which as every teenager knows is imperative to maintaining your quota of spots, greasy hair and ‘corned beef’ thighs? You can’t acquire the regulation teenage body and associated hormone-fuelled ‘Bi-polar’ personality by munching on a salad!
The most important factor of these five years is ‘fitting in’ and in order to do that you must all be relatively the same; don’t worry there are cliques to chose from in order to make this easier. If you’re fat you must either be very clever, allowed to dye your hair black and wear fishnet tights to school or have a parent who teaches there. Or perchance your thin and extremely spotty you have no choice but to either deal drugs or become so tech savvy that you’re school database hacking skills see you through the difficult years ahead. For the pretty girl with the golden thighs and really flicky ponytail; you simply need to smile and allow over-the-jumper fondles. And for the rest of you; it’s either sports or setting up random after-school classes for minorities with attitude. So you see it’s simple; pick a team, any team and follow their rules.
You’ll notice the teachers appear tired; they are. Unfortunately they picked a career whilst still high on whatever was popular at University and are now regretting that decision. For they are literally trapped in a no-win situation where their hands are sufficiently tied to prevent any real maverick thought processes yet they’re still expected to perform and uphold the stats. Silly buggers; they could have been a rock star or at least an extra in ‘Eastenders’! No matter it’s never too late; via ‘X-Factor’ or ‘Britain’s Got Talent’! The Head of the school will either be nearing retirement age and absent other than the snoring sound coming from the office or very young and full to the brim with irritating enthusiasm for ‘making a difference’.
Please note that there will only be approximately seven good looking kids out of a school of 2,000 and they will invariably only be dipping in and out of their own gene pool. Therefore your first boyfriend/girlfriend will either be fat, spotty, greasy or all three with jam-pot glasses, braces and the no make-up rule not helping this plight. Not that you’re there for that; no you’re there to learn. And learn you will; for kiss chase is infinitely more interesting than it was in Primary school and swimming lessons; particularly if you have goggles and a decent lung capacity will teach you way more about anatomy than Human Biology does. You’ll also learn that contrary to popular opinion smoking is in fact very good for you; especially if you can sell them for a quid each and extra for a ‘light’. Then there’s bringing cheap vodka to school in a water bottle which turns shitty double Maths into a highly entertaining afternoon!