I have experienced labour four times and feel able to describe the feeling sufficiently well enough to scare young women into removing their own ovaries with a spoon. I would liken it to someone pumping up a Swiss Ball that’s been secreted in your womb whilst your hips are placed in an industrial vice. The pumping up coincides with a squeezing inwards of your hips until you’re more than happy to die. At this point it stops and you’re given nine seconds of respite before it begins again. This continues for an average twelve hours with the now inflated Swiss Ball also being dragged slowly but surely out of your womb . At the point of no return you’ll assure the Midwife that there’s been some terrible mistake and you’re due in work for a conference call. She’ll suddenly turn from your sweet young ‘gal pal’ into Mrs Trunchbull right as your fanny is torn apart by an under-developed human. At this point you can think yourself very lucky if your anus is still intact.