Shit that keeps me awake at night…

1. A  bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Can we pay for things with birds?  This is a great exchange rate and though I’d be scared of holding one and certainly don’t relish allowing two into my bush, if I could get 100% return I would consider it.

 

2. Every dog has it’s day.

Has this been surveyed?  Seems a little unfair to put this message out there, then not be prepared to quantify it? Someone should organise a survey to unearth those who are still sitting around licking their bits and wondering when the fuck it’s their turn. 

 

3. The Grass is always greener on the other-side.

Unless they used to have a trampoline; then it’s brown.

 

4. Hung like a donkey.

Are they all that well endowed and has anyone got that close to measure it?

 

5. A fate worse than death.

Surely nothing’s worse than death?  Unless you die wearing your ‘period’ pants with a visible full bush and you’re brought back to life by your ex’s new girlfriend who is a trauma Doctor.

 

6. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Or simply a massive pain in the arse who requires more from you than do of them?

 

7. A little of what you fancy does you good.

Unless it’s heroin.

 

8. A picture is worth a thousand words.

As long as it’s not blurry with the heads cut off.

 

9. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Unless we’re talking about thrush.

 

10. Age before beauty.

Nah they’re not in a rush.

 

11. An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.

Sure if you throw it hard enough and with good aim.

 

12. An eye for an for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Pretty sure no-one’s ever actually followed through with this deal.

 

13. As happy as Larry? 

Who is Larry he sounds like a fun guy to know…? 

 

14.Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

This doesn’t apply to cheese, alcohol or cake.

 

15. Children should be seen and not heard.

To be fair neither s preferable.

 

16. Close your eyes and think of England.

You’re kidding I never close my eyes; I’d miss the end of the film.

 

17. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 No it’s just a clear indicator that you have no personality of your own.

 

18. The customer is always right.

Tell that to Mr Kumar who’s had his Premier Shop pillaged by the locals twice this month.

 

19. There are more ways than one to kill a cat.

True, but that doesn’t make it right.

 

To all my OCD friends the lack of a number twenty will no doubt bug the shit out of you all night…you’re welcome.

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