Disclaimer; those easily offended please continue stalking your Brother’s ex-girlfriend on Facebook rather than reading this…and to those who do read it please remember I am predominantly a nice person.
1. Head lice; these little critters which cause intense itching particularly around the ears where they essentially start a mating frenzy. Your child will have got it off the person they sit next to in class; you can check who that is the following day. You must then begin a hate campaign against that filthy rug-rats Mother involving your best adult allies in the playground. Make sure everyone within ear-shot knows which unwashed kid set off the infestation and be sure to perfect your best dirty look for when the Mum in question is around. Generally encourage all the Mothers to gang up on her and even get the kids on board; the more the merrier, I mean the same adage applies to the fucking nits and they started it.
I’m kidding!! Just use ‘Hedrin’ or shave the child’s head; either one.
2. Worms; whether it be thread, tape or wiggly something’s got to be done and fast. Children will very quickly develop the pre-death symptom of ‘brown fingernail’s’ which is both unsightly and has an unpleasant odour. The best thing to do if your child does manage to ‘accidentally on purpose’ acquire this gross-out ‘disease’ is either have them adopted/put into care or simply buy a cheap car on the internet, drive to a Nunnery, park outside and ask them to wait there. Get a taxi home and put the whole sorry incident behind you. You can always have another child, or a different pet.
3. Cradle cap; right from day dot children literally cause you work. Cradle ‘crap’ as I like to call it is very unpleasant to look at and most adults want to scratch it off immediately. This is not the right course of action. In the case of all my children; and I have four so will probably know better than you, I cured the problem with a series of head coverings. Firstly a bonnet, then short wig, progressing to longer wig as they grew. When they reached an age that they could deal with the issue themselves I gave them a solution of watered-down bleach with a teaspoon of baking soda and a scouring pad. It’s never too early to learn to take responsibility for your shortcomings.
4. Asthma and Excema; children suffering with either of these highly frustrating (to other people) conditions are essentially ‘attention seeking’ and ‘tough love’ must be employed from the get go. Obviously you’ll provide the necessary medication i.e. an inhaler or topical steroid ointment but do keep it on a high shelf with a mini-climbing wall progressing to cargo net they must climb to reach it. It’s important to teach them it’s not all about them and if they must ‘set themselves apart’ with their breathing difficulties and ‘flaky pastry’ skin then they must be held accountable in some way.
5. And now for the big one. CONSTIPATION; and it really will be a ‘big one’ if your lazy blighter doesn’t pull its finger out (not literally, though this is often a later course of action) and just take a dump. Health Visitors are very on the offensive when your kid has constipation. “Are they getting their five a-day?” (Apparently one carton of ‘Um Bongo’ won’t do it), “Are they drinking enough fluid?” (Again; the ‘Um Bongo’; just not doing it’s job.) It’s literally like an interrogation with the emphasis put squarely at the door of the parent who let us not forget should not be to blame for the kids tardy bowels. However, do not fear I once more have a solution and it’s cheap (saving money even!) and involves no extra work from you. In fact it totally frees up extra time to enable you to pursue your preferred leisure activity; gossip mag & four-finger Kit-Kat being mine. Do not feed your child anymore…I know?! Now it may sound harsh; and if you struggle with the no food at all rule you can give three ‘Branflakes’ of a morning and half a ‘Weetabix’ for tea (dry) and trust me constipation will quickly be a thing of the past!
Note: Along with my regular parenting advice blogs you can also contact me for my thoughts on: how to deal with ruddy cheeks, disguise corned-beef thighs and remove facial hair using Marmite.