Be my valentine.

With Valentines’s Day just around the corner now is the perfect time to be giving some thought to how you might celebrate this day of lover’s with your significant other.  For me; that would be my Mother and we all know that a crème egg and glass of Prosecco and she’s as happy as a chicken dipper in sauce, but no matter I’m still quite content to bring you my top five run-down of the best gifts you men can proffer your shag-piece:

1. A new car! 

That’s right a brand-new motor with a pair of fluffy dice; which in essence will represent your testicles which whilst dangling in front of her face on a daily basis will subliminally remind her just how much she owes you; and your balls.

2. A ring! 

Engagement, Pandora or Prawn either way a ring always goes down well on this very special of days.  If it’s an Engagement ring do make sure that the stone is at least 1 carat to guaranteed a decent effort in the boudoir from your intended that evening. Anything over 1 carat will usually result in some serious sexual gymnastics with the potential for extending your normal repertoire into a territory you’d only ever imagined in your head. As for Pandora anything over 100 quid preferably with a heart and as for Prawn; don’t forget that if you are the tight-wad that thinks spelling out ‘love you’ with shellfish is gift enough then at least pick up a ‘Vienetta’ for afters, whilst you’re in Iceland (it’ll be the only dessert you’re getting).

3. A Teddy! 

Never, ever buy a teddy for a woman you hope to ‘bob the tip’ in later; they’re for children who are ill or a first gift for a newborn baby. And definitely don’t combine it with a ‘padded’ card in a box otherwise you’ll yourself single by the 15th.  Just as shoddy and only as an ‘extra’ comes chocolates, always appreciated but not as the star of the show, remember we’ll have only just polished off a bar of Dairy Milk dipped into a cup of tea when you arrive to collect us for our date.

4. Underwear! 

This particular gift whilst devastatingly ‘fucktastic’  when you get it right is still a veritable hornet’s nest of potential gaffs.  Trashy versus classy? Always classy obviously; even you know that but will you recognise it when you see it?  Your brain is predetermined to be drawn to the cheap red satin and black lace number; after all you’ve seen loads of fit birds wearing the exact same one on the internet; it’s what you know.  But let me guide you; that is ‘trashy’.  For ‘classy’ you must enter a shop selling ‘lingerie’ and seek out the stunning assistant; let’s call her ‘Giselle’.  She will take you into a world of fantastical and luxuriant plunge bustiers,  balcony half-cuplets and wasp-waisted corsets think; ‘Agent Provocateur’, ‘Coco de Mer’or Mimi Holliday. You must follow Giselle and listen to her sterling advice whilst suppressing your testosterone’s desire to zone out and picture her in a red lace basque begging for mercy as you dish her up a hearty slice of your man pie.  Spend at least 200 quid; you can’t go wrong.  Size versus comfort? This is a trap; do not fall into it.  Oh I’m not giving you the answer; this is just one of your life quests at least give it the thought it deserves. But beware no woman want’s to lose circulation in either her under carriage or around her breasty dumplings…

5. Flowers!

If you’re going down the very clichéd route of red roses; ensure they are high quality and in a bouquet of at least a dozen delivered to her workplace where she can rejoice in the ‘oohs and aahs’ of her peers.  Be warned; five in plastic wrapping from the local garage will not suffice.  And do not at any costs buy her yellow flowers; particularly Carnations, these are akin to a lie-detector result proving you are indeed having an affair. 

Well there you have it; my nearly 46 years of experience penned into a short blog to enable both sexes to achieve what they really want on the 14th February…

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