Today I have reviewed an ‘Eat Natural’ Bar; a 45g block of smulched together ‘seven shades of tasty shit’ held in place by a dark chocolate bottom!  And I love a dark bottom…in fact, what’s not to like?  This range of ‘not very naughty yet still very nice’ fruit and nut bar’s purport to be healthy.  This is despite having a heftier calorie intake than two ‘Freddo Frogs’ which as we all know when eaten in quick succession will provide a pure and unadulterated Cadbury’s Chocogasm. 


So why eat them?  Because they are scrummy; obviously.  But also because they tell the truth; that’s right when you indulge in one you really do ‘eat natural’; confused?  Don’t be!


Take soup; when I eat soup, I take my spoon from the outside into the centre of the bowl; employing a stiff pinkie and when bringing to my mouth I use my other hand to dramatically sweep aside my fringe, eyes wide and a delicate blow.   Then a further blow; still holding my fringe, tiny lip-lick then into my mouth it goes with a ‘harumph’ noise.  You see I don’t eat soup natural.  I make a song and dance of the whole thing culminating in a major ‘scraping’ experience and ‘nom nom’ finish with fist-held bread and my head resting on the rim of the bowl. 


A Chelsea Bun I can’t eat that natural either.  My method is to unravel the whole thing and place on a clean table stretched out to it’s fullest, scraping my hair into a bun I then rest my chin on the table and employ a ‘tongue-drag’, bite, release method until it is devoured.  Believe you and me to watch; ‘it ain’t natural’! 


Finally I’ve found something that I have to ‘eat natural’!  Some people thought this tag-line was referring to what goes into it.  But they’re stupid and probably smell, it’s all about being yourself, being less theatrical about eating and focussing on simply biting, chewing and swallowing.  I know; it’s mad!  But I’ve learned that eating should be ‘natural’.

Till next time masticators!

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