International Women’s Day.

So today is a day to celebrate being a woman; but what does that mean?  How is being a woman different to being a man?  Oh you thought this might be some high-brow piece with substance, nope you were wrong!

Firstly let’s look at the predominant differences.  Women have breasty dumplings, men don’t/shouldn’t.  There are exceptions to the rule; the Golfer with an unmistakable of a pair of 38B’s wobbling unharnessed underneath his Pringle jumper.  Or the fun-Dad puffing round the park on a Saturday sporting ‘jubblies’ to be proud of. But rule of thumb the chest area of a man should be lightly hairy and sport only two nipples of appropriate man-size…

Women have a front-bottom.  Yes that’s the term I’ve always used and I’m sticking to it.  It alleviates most confusion around wiping when potty training and is a perfectly good way of describing the two elements!  Obviously we’re not going to teach a 2 year old to say ‘vagina/vulva’ though I don’t understand the need to give it some cutesy/weird and completely unrelated name. 

I’ve compiled the most ridiculous I’ve ever heard:

  • Ninny
  • Mary
  • Penny
  • Foo Foo
  • Minnie
  • Muffin

Of course there are also comedy names of which I’ve compiled my favourite versions!!:-

  • Minge with a fringe
  • Miss Mary of Lady Garden
  • Fanny Nook and Cranny
  • My Darling Clam-entine
  • Mistress Quim of Twatsville

Then the more vile testosterone-packed versions labouring the aesthetics of the female genitalia which I’ll not perpetuate by listing…seriously take a look at your own pee-pee picnic. Yes men; they have a penis. Another word that sticks in my throat…so here is the most child-friendly terminology for the…erm…penis:-

  • Willy
  • Pee Pee
  • Winkie
  • Tiddler
  • Mr Spout
  • Wee Flute
  • Tadger

Most of the ‘funny’ versions I liken to a film title:-

  • The Lamb Shank Redemption
  • The Pork Sword in the Stone
  • The Cockfather
  • Return of the Japseye
  • Alien

 So we’ve covered the most essential differences.  Then there’s women have babies and men wait until their tea is on the table before heading to the toilet with the paper.  Women put themselves second to virtually everyone and everything and a man will fart in bed, laugh, create a tent and waft it happily in your direction.  Can these vast differences all be boiled down to hormones?  Is it really testosterone that makes a man better at changing light bulbs and loosening jars?  Could it be that Oestrogen is fully responsible for us watching ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ dunking biscuits in our tea?  I wish I had the answers; but I’m soon to be twice divorced therefore I clearly know fuck all about men!  I do know this though; women most definitely deserve a day to recognise how hard they work, multi-task, nurture and encourage.  And perhaps one day men will get their own day of recognition; I would suggest ‘International ‘Allen Key’ Day’; for they never let us down in that regard!

Happy ‘International Women’s Day’ girls! 


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