45 Things to NEVER do…

 

My 46th birthday is imminent; before it’s arrival I’ve decided to extol my vast life experience to you.  So you read it here; my list of 45 things you should never do:-

 

1.    Never squeeze spots.   I know the force is strong; particularly if you’ve a 12x magnification mirror standing erect in front of a vast window on a sunny day.  The pull to extract each and every little pot of sebum via the two-finger method; to rejoice in each little victory as it yields to produce something you immediately find gross but still you plough on.  It’s all a mistake; a trap you’ll end up with scars, virtual pot-holes and a sense of your own inability to control yourself.  Save yourself; view your face from afar…

 

2.    Never use lemon juice to lighten your hair.  On a pancake liberally doused with sugar yes, in a mug with whiskey, hot water and honey yes.  But not on your hair, unless you’re a fan of the ‘singed old nag’s tail’ look.

 

3.    Never use blue mascara…those of us born in early seventies were the pioneers of this ill-advised look, we came; we wore it, we killed it and now let it rest…

 

4.    Never eat 5 Weetabix in one go…’23rd February 2014′; my colon has never forgiven me…

 

5.    Never share a slice of cake; a whole cake is permitted, cut into good-sized wedges but not a slice with two forks. This is a self-sabotaging act simply unnecessary in todays Western society.  Anyone who makes this suggestion should be cut out of your life for good; yes even a family member.

 

6.    Never marry someone until you’ve lived with them; three years is a good number.  You’ll have weeded out the wheat from the chaff by this stage.  No-one can not fart for this duration without requiring a Colonoscopy.  All bad habits will have been uncovered, paraded with aplomb or thrust literally into your face and morning breath should have passed the sniff test.  You’ve washed their pants, plucked their snotty (or worse) tissues off the floor and when you’ve listened to the same joke 365 + 365 + 365 = 1,095 times you’ll know if you can bear it for life…and them.

 

7.    Never buy a small latte; there’s only a few pence between that and a large, don’t fuck about with coffee; get the big one.  You can apply that adage to many things in life…

 

8.     Never apologise to your spouse; it’s the thin-end of the wedge.  Simply smile; say “it was a JOKE!” then nestle in for a reluctant cuddle.  For big misdemeanours you might have to go south…

 

9.      Never buy a rodent as a pet; they smell, really frigging bad.  Even the humble mouse…

 

10.    On that note…never squeeze a Hamster it’s eyes may pop out (sorry Foxy…)

 

11.    Also, if your Hamster dies never wrap it in newspaper and put it in the outside bin (sorry Foxy…and sorry bin-man)

 

12.     Never underestimate a Hamster’s will to live…

 

13.    Sticking with the theme…never put a Gold Fish (that you may or may not have won at a fair) in a pickled onion jar; even if it’s been washed out with Fairy a few times, the fumes will prove too much (sorry Tango…)

 

14.    Never take advantage of your neighbours good nature after your errant Jack Russell has repeatedly escaped from your garden and into theirs.  Asking them to ‘shove him back under’ or ‘keep hold of him’ till you finish work is inappropriate especially after he’s ravaged their Hydrangea bush and shit all over their lawn.

 

15.    Never ride a child’s bike along a main road to the shop to buy booze; especially after you’ve already had rather a lot of…booze.  The trip back is especially tricky with a thin Premier Shop carrier full of Blue Wkd.

 

16.    Never go on a trampoline in a pair of heels…no amount of feminine tools will make you look like a hot chick on a trampoline; you will only look like a tranquilised baboon…

 

17.     Never be angry with yourself for eating a whole box of Mr Kipling  Fondant Fancies; Oestrogen feeds on these naughty little squares of refined sugar.  We’re biologically predisposed to fail when attempting to have just one, or two with a cup of tea.  You’re fucked, just snaffle the lot and move on…

 

18.     Never wear jeans with trouser clips to a Spin Class…the material does not afford enough air flow around your ‘flower’ and you’ll be laughed out the door by the hard-core spinners who can be horribly aggressive…

 

19.     Never buy snacks from the cinema; it’s literally daylight robbery and there’s a budget supermarket up the road where you can shave 26 quid off your popcorn/choccie/pop snacks…

 

20.    Never eat dog poo…a.k.a; never smile broadly when riding a mountain bike through muddy terrain usually used by the public to exercise their dog.

 

19.     Never lick your lips when someone points out there’s something brown on them (after riding a mountain bike through muddy terrain usually used by the public to exercise their dog.)

 

20.    Never drink copious amounts of red wine on a date; you could (I’m guessing…) end up looking like Hannibal Lector after a big feed…through candlelight this is definitely not horn-inducing to the opposite sex.

 

21.    Never say ‘Tally ho’…unless you wish to be perceived as a twat with delusions of grandeur.  Be especially careful if you’re wearing Joules or Jack Wills.

 

22.    Never buy a Doner Kebab when sober; the word ‘doner’ rhymes with ‘boner’ and will remind you of yet another thing you’re not prepared to put in your mouth unless you’re ‘trollied’. When drunk it’s a perfectly acceptable form of sustenance…that applies both ways.

 

23.    Never buy a smaller cup-size and larger back…this will result in over-the-top tit-spillage and over 35 or post anymore than 2 children you’ll have neither the consistency or required bulk to carry it off.  Let it be known that Jean in M&S knows bugger all.  And her hands were cold.  Bitch.

 

24.    Never buy cheap underpants.  I always have but it’s not a good thing.  The one’s I’m wearing today look like I’ve trimmed off a couple of bunting triangles and sewn them together; badly.

 

25.    Never shy from taking a good look at yourself naked in a full length mirror with daylight upon your body.  Repeat this mantra; beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you have a nice personality and make a cracking Victoria Sandwich. You can alter the mantra playing to your own strengths…

 

26.    Never pick your nose whilst wearing gloves; particularly not woolly one’s.  Or a pair you’ve borrowed…

 

27.    Never make small talk when having a smear.  The nurse has no interest in your fanny and is at the point of inserting the speculum already feeling pissed off that she’s forgotten to get those chicken breasts out of the freezer for tonight’s tea.

 

28.    Never scratch anything itchy; instead just apply a bit of your own ‘lick’.  Thanks Granny that’s stood me in good stead.  Obviously there is one exception to the rule; Canesten is your best choice in that regard.

 

29.    Never darn a man’s socks, sew a button on or iron his clothes.  It’s like a red-rag to a bull; you will get shafted.  That is unless he’s prepared to Micro-pedi your heels and/or  rub Vanish into the gusset of your period pants…

 

30.    Never underestimate just how perfect an age this is…you’re body is on a slow decline into Droopy Town from here on in.

 

31.    Never hide your light under a bushel…or allow a man to use your bushel as a place to rest his light.  In fact never use this phrase as it’s so open to misinterpretation; it’s a euphemism just waiting to happen.

 

32.    Never pretend something is okay if it’s not.  That applies to seasoning in food, foreplay and a hot beverage being just not hot enough.  Life is too short for ‘not okay’s’.

 

33.    Never change your sheets the day before a big night out.  From fake tanning to over-indulgence in one form or another leave it till the Sabbath…

 

34.    Never say “BOLLOCKS” in church.  Stands to reason that one…

 

35.    Never squeeze a stye on your eye.  And never allow the Doctor to suggest that her putting a sterile pin into it is a good idea either.  Just allow the passage of time and invest in an eye patch…

 

36.    Never kick your Midwife in the face when she’s trying to extricate your baby from you safely.  They’ll say it’s okay but you’ll have been silently blacklisted for ‘extra-special’ treatment next time.  “Can I have my toast and tea now; I’m desperate?!”  “Oh I’m sorry love the toaster’s just blown up and we’ve run out of tea bags…”

 

37.    Never underestimate your babies ability to make you feel guilty with their wide-eyed cherubic face.  Even at 2am, 4am, 5:34am and 8:03am when you’ve missed your fucking alarm, will spend the entire day on the back foot, not have time to shave your armpits, apply make-up or even dry your hair.  Never mind breakfast or a hot cup of tea. 

 

38.    Never trust a man wearing Cuban heels, a jaunty hat and a silk scarf…

 

39.    Never offer round the box of Thornton’s Continental on your birthday. Some bastard will go straight for the ‘Alpini’ and not give a shit that it’s your day.

 

40.    Never wear ‘Kitten heels’ unless your Joan Collins or Gloria Hunniford. 

 

41.    Never eat a banana in the office wearing lipstick…it’s simply too much for your male colleagues.

 

42.    Never miss your pre-arranged cab on a night out. Your booked that bugger when you were of sound mind; at this point you’re not to be trusted.  You’re now a delusional, drunken hag…go home.

 

43.    Never ask your Mother to collect you from outside the Pizza place in the early hours and be found slumped in the sitting position against the building ‘noshing’ cheesy chips.  Don’t then get into the back of the car by mistake where 2 children’s seats are fixed in position then sit atop one with your head grazing the roof all the way home making repetitive conversation whilst she eyes you with condemnation in the rear view mirror…

 

44.    Never ask your eldest daughter to drop you off at a party 10 miles from home; drink so much before going that within 30 minutes of being there you find yourself in a flower bed with a limited ability to use your phone as you try in vain to contact her to come and fetch you.

 

45.    Never vomit into a Boots carrier in the back of your eldest daughter’s car after she’s kindly done a U-turn and headed back to collect her embarrassing Mother from said party before first checking that her new purchases are not in the bottom (of the bag).

 

There we have it.  I think there’s something for everyone in that list.  We can all learn from my mistakes and vow to do better!


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