Gym Update…

It’s been a couple of months since I joined the gym and several of my millions of avid followers have requested an update (well Mum did anyway) so here it is. 


I now go to at least 4 regular 6:30am classes per week.  I have a proper pair of Trainers with a logo you’d recognise and 3 sports bras.  For my recent birthday I was bought ‘gym gear’; yes lycra-laden/cellulite enhancing outerwear rather than alcohol and chocolate.  I now wander round Sports Direct looking for ‘buttock appreciating’ leggings with carefully placed geometric patterns to make the best of my ‘flattocks’ (I’m squatting and lunging for all I’m worth to improve this). I’ve only recently debated a waist trainer as I’m still essentially squared shaped but I value breathing fully in and out so won’t go this far.  And only yesterday morning I ingested my first ‘Protein Bar’.  Do not be fooled by these; though some sort of chocolate had been thinly painted over the underside it still tasted like it was made of mulched and tightly-packed cardboard and oats with approximately 4 raisins. Whilst it took some ‘getting down’ it filled a gap for hours whilst my rookie digestive system went into double-time to try and break that fucker down adequately to enable filtering out the other side.  I’ll stick to a Brunch Bar or Tracker in the future…


Much as I believe I am making progress; certainly I’ve not cried during a class for a while,  I still have a long way to go.   I tend to arrive naively full of positivity, battle-ready (hair scraped back, make-up free) in my fancy gear and new trainers offering cheery salutations to my contemporaries.  Each time truly believing it’ll have gotten, just a little bit easier.  That I’ll not require the entire 1 litre bottle of water and still be licking the sweat off my upper lip for sustenance.  That I’ll be able to leave half an hour later with some semblance of dignity; without people querying the need for an ambulance and mumbling about the nearest defibrillator.


Unfortunately I still leave looking like a shrivelled-up shell of my former self who truly believes she may never walk properly again.  I limp out with a swollen purple face, disbelief and pain etched onto it and bathed in sweat.  At this point I am half-woman, half-aubergine with similar muscle tone and powers of thought/speech. I semi-crawl into my car, thanking God for my forethought in wearing a Tena Lady and hoping nobody expects me to have the power to raise my hand to wave goodbye.  I usually sit in the car for a few minute trying to regulate my breathing in time to Classic FM.  After which I battle the peddles with jelly legs and seriously hope I don’t have to brake hard or swerve at any point on my way home. 


Luckily a hit of serotonin will occur later when I’m sitting at work (on a cushion) and attempting to resist the latest round of the office biscuit tin.  I’ll  feel it and instantly marvel at how tenacious I’m being at getting fit.  A little spark of ‘get in!’ that will boost my morning and encourage me to carry on.  After all my ‘flattocks’ are steadily lifting, my bingo’s flap way less than they did and I’m secretly still hankering after Charlize Theron’s legs (‘alright; a shorter version, I know’).  So I shall continue; onwards and upwards reaching out to that bikini body, those toned limbs and tight core or at the very least a pair of normal buttocks…


2 thoughts on “Gym Update…

  1. So 4 sessions and only 3 sports bras, I hope there’s a wash in between? ๐Ÿ˜‚ Well done though for sticking with it, and I’m sure the squats and lunges will pay off eventually. p.s. you really don’t want a hit of serotonin mid morning, it’s the hormone that pats you on the back, says job well done, now let’s take a nap on that comfy looking keyboard. Dopamine is the up and at ’em one that you want ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The last man to call into question the cleanliness of my underwear I ate his prostate with a nice Viognier…I’m kidding!! Nice tip; Dopamine I’ll request a shot of that next time!! Thanks for your comment fellow fitty…!

      Liked by 1 person

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