Bucket List Antithesis… ‘The F*ck-it List’

A life is enriched by many things; family, friends, experience and twice-cooked chips.

A new on-trend thing to do is to create a ‘Bucket List’; where you list all the things you would like to do/experience before the Grim Reaper arrives with his body rake.

This began as something one would do if unlucky enough to know that your time on earth would be cut short but has now become an excellent way of simply ‘taking stock’. To look at your life experience to date and consider all the things you’d like to ‘make happen’ before your time is up. I mean what better time to collate wistful ideas for mind-blowing encounters, adrenalin-charged events and vacations to exotic climbs than when your healthy enough to carry them out? That’s right whilst you still have fully workable arms and legs and enough iron reserves to get off your ‘long time dead’ arse and take the plunge, go for it!

I mean who doesn’t want to think that their one time on earth will be as diverse, culturally rich and jam-packed with seven shades of ‘amazeballs’ shit as humanly possible?

However, on this occasion and for the purposes of this piece I’ve decided to write my antithesis to the traditional Bucket List; The ‘F*ck-it List’ so here we go…

1. Pubes – f*ck it; let them be. I’ve written this delightful prose to help you to understand my feelings post-40 about ‘Area 51’ of a woman’s body.

Pubes are your friend, a gift from God

Like a hairy bikini they protect your ‘mod’

Like tumble-weed on a windy day

Please accept that they’re here to stay

Created for a reason we have to succumb

They’re here to cover your front bum.

I think the genius of this poem is in its simplicity; the writer (me) is simply asking you to embrace, accept and love your pubes rather than spend the rest of your days in a constant battle to tame them.

They cannot be tamed; it is a game you will lose and it will cost you time, money and pain. GIVE IT UP; I’m giving you permission.

2. Aspirations – f*ck ’em they’re just a massive pressure. Let it go, stop dreaming and focus on the here and now.

The job you currently have, ‘it’ll do’. The place you live, ‘it’s alright’. You’re other half, ‘beggars can’t be choosers/you made your bed…’ Delete your social media and only buy Bella magazine. See, the pressure’s off!

3. The perfect body – f*ck it, that takes serious dedication, abstinence and pain.

Accept the one you’ve got, buy a size bigger, stand up straight and smile. Think ‘teeth n tits’, wear Spanx and voilà you’re working it!

4. Seeing the World – f*ck that!

Download Google Earth and trot the globe from the comfort of your armchair. Add chocolate and wine to really enhance the experience. Plus you’ll be lowering your carbon footprint into the bargain…everyone’s a winner, including the planet.

In short; make some plans but make them realistic (like a Silver-grade Haven caravan through The Sun newspaper token scheme). Because endlessly focusing on luxury this and high-brow that can only lead to misery.

Let’s re-focus on the simple times of yester-year when life was less complex and contentment no more difficult to attain than adding Spam chunks to a packet of Super Noodles.

Oh you’re very welcome 😁

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