Diet, Shmiet.

As a Mother of four and ‘clean eater’ (i.e. carton of orange juice and the odd banana) it is a matter of great importance for me to concern myself with the health of my children; limiting Happy Meals to once per week and only 3 Freddo Frog’s per day. With this in mind I’ve taken it upon myself to look deep within myself for an answer (whilst double dipping Cheese Strings in Nutella) and I’m proud to present to you my ground-breaking idea!

I’ve come up with the revolutionary notion that re-labelling foodstuffs that are detrimental to our health, might in fact help to re-program our brains to be averse to them; perhaps to instead reach for a healthy alternative. There is a chance I might get a Noble Peace Prize for my research; you never know, exciting times ahead!!

Here are snippets from the first draft of my highly complex and scientific thesis on this matter of global importance.

List of shit we shouldn’t be eating re-named to put us off…

Not so sweet.

Doughnuts – ‘Fat Balls of deep-fried lard with refined sugar middle’ (‘Stroke balls’; for short)
Chocolate – ‘Brown cellulite.’
Cake – ‘Aerated early-death.’


Sausage – ‘Abattoir sweepings in bovine belly-lining.’
Chargrilled Steak – ‘Cancer-coated heffer’s ass.’
Chips – ‘Blubber Sticks.’
Pizza – ‘Circle of end-of-life’.

End of World Cuisine.

Chinese food – ‘Salty demise.’
Indian food – ‘Ghee you in the afterlife.’
Italian food – ‘Stodgy ticker.’

There would be an initial cost-outlay for re-packaging but weighing that against the financial deficit of the NHS at present it would be ‘fly shit’.
Hilariously ironic is that the kids have had nowt but ‘poppety pings’ whilst I completed my research this month! Hang on! Hold the call to Social Services they had fruit salad for afters! And a few Black Jacks!

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