Man Versus Their Superior

Why were the sexes created so unequally? Men are biologically programmed to be stronger than us; have better muscle tone and less fat. Yet no need to fit into a bodycon dress or navigate a cobbled street in a stiletto? It’s fact that it’s not written into their destiny that a body-changing event in time will occur should they chose to procreate. In all likelihood their career path will not be obliterated by carer duties (alright; ‘Metrosexuals’; stop flapping, it’s still less likely) and they’ll guaranteed have more free time during their life span to follow their own agenda than a woman will. Women on the other hand immediately have to deal with irritating, time-consuming biological ‘gifts’ handed to her at birth:

1. Periods – costly; seriously why does the Government not dole out the necessary sanitary wear for free? Not to mention that each and every month at least 10 days is consumed with ‘pre’, ‘during’ and ‘post’ period. Oh and boobs; additional underwear required for these ‘fun puppies’…

2. Pregnancy – somewhere in the annuls of time it was decided that Eve rather than Adam should endure the process of growing a human inside their body then when it’s the optimum gestation, size and developmentally ready we should push it out of an opening betwixt our legs. Oh yes I hear you Mother Earth types; aren’t we lucky to have the opportunity to embrace this magical experience of a life within a life. I get it; I’ve done it and enjoyed it and felt the miracle of life. I’ve also lamented the loss of my pre-birth fanjita and bladder control…

3. Body hair – yes apparently we shouldn’t have any. It’s too; manly perhaps? As women we are to be smooth, hair-free, soft and accommodating, nurturing and gentle and kind and again; hair-free. Just skirting over the issue however, given the limited choices in achieving this pre-determined preferred state it’s always costly, time-consuming, irritating and/or downright painful. Like the time I had a pair of my own pants glued to me for what I feared would be all eternity after one gory waxing sesh. I discovered my tenacious side though, for it took me five hours with a torch between my legs and a pair of tweezers. The pants were fucked, like one of those ‘See You Jimmy’ hats most of my pubes were still attached. I’m harking back to the 70s down there these days…

4. Hair – often long, styled, straightened, highlighted; either way again it’s costly, time consuming and in the case of a particularly harsh perm back in circa 1988 painful. It was physically and emotionally damaging after Mum described me as looking like ‘Jimi Hendrix’ which wasn’t quite the look I was after. Mind you 6 months later you couldn’t tell me and Brian May apart…

5. Make-up – along with smelling nice, being soft (think scrubs and pumice stones), manicures and pedicures all add to the costly, time consuming process of being a woman. Lately make-up is a minefield; in my day the biggest decision was whether to draw my eyeliner on the inner lid or outter. Persistent conjunctivitis eventually made that decision for me. These days you need to be bloody Van Gogh to apply the artistic mastery required to give yourself an entirely different face using white, beige and brown powder. I tried once and ended up looking like a hot cross bun so I’m sticking to my jowly-potato shape instead. Not to mention the ridiculous cost of the latest cosmetic must have’s; prices starting at 18 quid for a ‘latex’ lipgloss in labia red…give me Rimmel anyday, not a euphemism.

Mind you men do have to deal with the following conundrums…

1. Rugby or Football?

2. Beer or lager?

3. Pot Noodle with sausage roll chaser or the ‘salad’ the ‘you’ spent last night preparing…

Erm, yeah think that’s about it.

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